


A Better Mousetrap

by zorilleerrant



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 10:04:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6324790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zorilleerrant/pseuds/zorilleerrant





	1. The Mouse

Steve had seen a mouse. Or, at least, he was pretty sure he had seen a mouse, and he ought to know, having seen quite enough of them back home. In the past. There was only one, and usually there were a lot more than that, but, well, rich people weren’t really supposed to have mice at all, anyway, were they, so maybe they came in smaller numbers.  
  
Steve assumed there were still mice, in the future.  
  
He’d tried to find traps, but had gotten turned around in the store, and by the time he’d managed to find someone to help him, he was mobbed by fans. By the time he’d sorted through them, he’d forgotten what he wanted in the first place, and just wanted to go home. It was fine, though; he’d brought it up to Tony, and Tony had promised to take care of it.  
  
The Avengers were sitting down to breakfast together when Steve noticed a little gray box next to the table. He picked it up.  
  
“Hey, put that back,” Clint said. “We’ll never catch the mouse if you keep moving it.”  
  
Steve looked it over for a minute before putting it back down. “How does it kill it?”  
  
“What?” Tony choked on his eggs. “It doesn’t kill it! It catches the mouse without hurting it!”  
  
Steve stared across the table. “What, do you want to keep it for a pet?”  
  
“No,” Tony said, and then paused. “Well, we could, I guess. I mean, it can’t be much different from taking a normal pet mouse to the vet, you know, for shots and stuff, and they probably eat the same things. Do you want a pet mouse?”  
  
“What?” said the horrified man, “no, of course not!”  
  
“Okay,” said Tony, “we’ll just put it outside, then.”  
  
“You invented an entirely new kind of mousetrap, just so it _wouldn’t_ kill the mouse?” Steve asked, still appalled by the whole thing.  
  
“I didn’t invent them!” Tony said, “you can get them anywhere! At least I think you can, I don’t know, Pepper always takes care of it.”  
  
“Most places,” Clint agreed. “You baited them with peanut butter, right?”  
  
“Doesn’t anyone want to kill the thing?” Steve yelled.  
  
“What?” gasped Natasha, dramatically. “It’s just a poor defenseless little mouse, why would anyone want to kill it? It’s terrible to kill people who can’t even see it coming.”  
  
Clint and Tony nodded, all three turning pointedly to Bruce.  
  
Bruce held his hands up. “Don’t look at me. I’m staying out of this discussion.”  
  
Steve stormed to the elevator.  
  
“Where are you going?”  
  
“To get real mousetraps!” Steve declared, “even if I have to build them myself!”


	2. 'Humane'

Steve got lost three times trying to find a hardware store, and by the time he figured out where he was, found himself storming into SHIELD headquarters. He decided to just go with it, rushing up the stairs to Director Fury’s office, and slammed open the door.

Fury looked up, picked up his mug, and took a sip of coffee.

The incensed captain slammed both palms down on the Director’s desk, screaming, “did you know about this?” before he realized that the Director, in fact, had no way of knowing about ‘this’.

“They’re called humane mousetraps, Steve,” Fury said. “They’re meant to be humane.”

“Mousetraps already were humane!” Steve smacked one hand against the other. “Snapped their necks, snap, quick as you like.”

“Some people would argue that killing something is not the most humane solution,” Fury said.

“We’re the good guys! We kill the pests! We root out evil, and uphold the law, and kill pests!” Steve’s hands twisted in his hair.

“Yes, we certainly do go around executing criminals without due process,” Fury deadpanned.

“Don’t do that!” Steve said, pointing at him, “you are putting words in my mouth, sir!”

“‘We’re the good guys! We kill the pests!’” Fury mimicked.

“I meant mice,” Steve said. “You know I meant mice.”

“Sure,” Fury said, “mice.”

“And Nazis,” Steve added, “okay.”

“I can’t really fault you for that one,” Fury agreed.

Steve started to say something else, when his phone chimed. “Caught it, set it free, don’t worry about it.” Steve sighed. Well, at least he didn’t have to worry about it anymore.


	3. There's more of them??

They were in the garage, trying to decide which of Tony’s fabulous cars to take, when Steve saw the opossum. With a yell, he ran to get the tire iron he’d seen, and came back swinging.

“No,” Clint yelled, throwing himself in front of the creature. “Don’t hurt him!”

The super soldier just managed to stop himself before he broke his teammate’s bones.

“I was going to kill it really, really quickly,” Steve said, after a few deep breaths.

“We can just leave it,” Tony said, “it’s not hurting anyone. More afraid of us and whatever.”

“If you leave them, they breed!”

“There’s only one of them, Steve,” Bruce said.

Natasha chose that moment to walk out from behind the car, panicked marsupial limp in her arms. She shifted her hand to scratch it under the chin. 

“Hold it still,” Steve told her.

“Aw, he’s a sweetheart,” Natasha said. “I think I’ll name him Steve.”

“Don’t you dare name that vermin after me,” Steve said.

“He’s not a vermin!” Natasha explained, grinning. “Are you? No you aren’t.”

“Ha,” said Clint, “she named him. You can’t kill something with a name, can you?”

“Try me,” the super soldier responded, glaring and brandishing his iron.


	4. Captain America Punches a Guy

Steve and Tony were out for a walk, Tony still trying to explain exactly why you might want to free mice, when they came across someone shooting pellets at a dog. It whimpered, and tugged against the post it was chained to.

“Hey,” said Steve, “stop that!”

“Make me,” said the asshole, not even looking up.

Captain America punched him.

Tony cracked up. “How’s that for Truth, Justice, and the American Way, douchebag?”

Steve wasn’t paying any attention, instead soothing the dog, who wagged its tail and licked Steve’s fingers.

It turned out later that someone had filmed the incident. Several someones. Fortunately, they had filmed the entire incident, so by the time the man took Steve to trial for assault, everyone had seen it. When Steve, against Tony’s lawyers’ advice, got on the stand and admitted to punching the guy, the entire jury nodded and acquitted him anyway.

“That was a perversion of justice,” Steve said to the other Avengers, when they got home.

All of them disagreed.

“I thought everyone loved animals here in the future,” Steve added, “why didn’t that guy get charged with anything?”

“Still not a crime,” Tony said.

“A little bit of a crime,” Bruce added, “you get fined.”

“Huh,” Steve said. “Something’s a perversion of justice, anyway.”

Tony looked at Steve’s browser history, and found hours of research on animal rights organizations, and a few searches for mousetraps.


	5. The Ferret

“Do you know you can buy pretty much anything for a pet?” Steve asked, walking into the living room, where the other Avengers sat. They would have said it was a propos of nothing if it weren’t for the large box in his arms.

Clint pulled the box open and cooed.

Steve pulled out his new ferret, and let his friends pet it.

Bruce scooted farther away. “You know, those things’ll eat your face.”

“Yes,” Steve agreed. “They also eat mice.”


End file.
